Wednesday, March 08, 2006

When It All Goes South

I currently have a vision that everyone be in control of themselves at all times, because if we cannot be in control of ourselves, we cannot be in control of anything.

To this pursuit I have decided to give myself to meditation and prayer throughout a greater amount of time each day. My theory is that if I can meditate on what is eating me up, or angering, me, then I will be able to identify it and pray for the resources and conviction to control my reactions and perceptions of the antecedents. This is going to make quitting smoking a royal pain, but I've only had 3 in the last two months, so I've got some confidence.

Now it's story time...

If you're like me then you had an anger problem through your teenage year's, it waned somewhere in the latter parts of your high school career, and slapped you boldly in the face some 5 years later.

Now you're confused, you could've sworn this was under control, there was nothing that set you off like that anymore. The last time you took such a foolish action you were merely 14 years old, but you're a man now. A 23 year old man. You've got a wife and kids. You have a decent job. Yes you've been fighting with your parents again, but what else is new, you haven't really stopped in the last ten years.

As you pick up the footstool you just ripped across the room, you notice the four large gouges in your closet door. Now you're really irritated, but not physically, just mentally, and you start to realize this is becoming a cycle, and that means that you really...really...Don't wanna talk about it.

But of course she's going to ask you what happened, and you lie "I don't know..." You know you'll tell her you did it, and how, but you just can't face it right now. You haven't been out of control in a long, long time. And you need to figure out how to get back in control before this happens in front of the wrong person. Thank God you've never gone out of your way to hurt anyone, save your little brother, but that's normal, and he was a pain in the ass growing up.

So you finish the dishes and admit you lied, as much out of guilt as a need to be honest with her.

Now here it comes, the "you need to get help" bit, "you've never been like this"...

But you know different, and you tell her so...

"You can't just control this on you own forever you know?" comes the reply

She's right of course, you can't control it forever, but you can control it, and if you're careful you can have at least another five years without doing anything stupid again, in fact, with some age and some wisdom maybe you can have ten or twenty. By then people will just figure you're in your mid-life crisis anyways.

Do yourself a favor. Think very seriously about everything leading up to the snap that occurred. I don't mean the last six months, or even the last six weeks, but think about at least the seven days leading up to it, what was, or wasn't, going on around you. What did you think was being communicated to you? What did you think others true emotions toward you were?

What made you so damn mad? And what caused you to react the way you did at the moment you did?

These questions all play into each other, and until you start to ask them, you're not going to find any answers. Good luck my friends!!!

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